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Bond disease

I thought I was happy in marriage. Recently I found a Cherry Chapstick in my husband’s coat pocket – a kind he would never buy. He claimed he had grabbed it at random from the pharmacy checkout. Last week he said he would visit his mother at the nursing home, but I learned later that he never showed up. I asked him about it and he told me the job was done. Also, our sex life has picked up and he’s been very considerate lately. All of this, put together, isn’t he screaming that he’s cheating? How to face it?

– Nightmares

You don’t expect marrying the man of your dreams to turn the real content of your dreams into overnight notifications of impending disaster: dozens of one-inch tall coal miners wearing tiny helmets and red flags glasses.

Are you right to pile these infobits into your husband’s infidelity verdict? Maybe – but maybe not. Evolutionary psychologist Martie Haselton explains that we evolved to have a protective error: to err on the side of safety, that is, to make the least evolutionarily costly mistake. Suspecting cheating where there is none is genetically less costly than ignoring the signs that seem to indicate it – and then eventually losing your man and / or letting him take his resources away from your children. towards those he would do with bitches he sees on the side.

Confronting your husband – accusing him of cheating – is a risky tactic. If he cheats, he is likely to deny it. If it isn’t, your accusation could destroy your relationship. A perhaps less risky tactic is to evoke his empathy: tell him that, collectively, these infobits triggered fears of losing him. The subject becomes your search for solace (which, PS, may or may not be supported by the truth). If he has strayed, he might be inspired to reassess and stop. Strength.

Over the next few months, observe your husband’s behavior, including one that suggests he loves you and is loyal. Your observations are unlikely to be conclusive (compared to finding him in bed with someone), but if you accumulate enough information over time, they should start to point you towards some sort of understanding.

Personally, I make my peace with the fools in life this way; for example, a new mole that (apologies to Judy Blume) seemed to be screaming, “Are you there, Alkon? It’s me, malignant melanoma. “A visit to the dermatologist later:” Hello, drama queen. I would like to introduce you to your spider bite. ”

Unwanted man

Do men even read online dating profiles? Mine says I’m a “sober divorced writer”. Inevitably, the guys send me a message: “What are you doing? Have you ever been married? Do you want to go for a drink? Uh, hello? I’m flattered that I seemingly picked just for looks, but even men who don’t like sex do.

-Mystified

There is a case for a guy to be a rushed or generally negligent reader and just walk past a “sober divorced writer”. However, men are likely to go beyond an even more salient description, such as, “I enjoy fine dining, walks on the beach, dismembering my date, and feeding squirrels to pieces.” ”

While men seem more likely to flirt with hot women only in their photos, they probably do so even when the women are, shall we say, lukewarm or even at room temperature. Because birth control was “cross your legs, honey!” women have evolved into “the more demanding sex”, wary of getting along with a man until they control him for his willpower and ability to “care” for the resulting children. Because men do not get pregnant, it is evolutionarily optimal for them – best for transmitting Ye Old Genes – to have much lower standards. (A lot. Like, “So … she’s got a pulse?”)

This gender difference makes a strong impression on dating apps. Social scientist in computer science Taha Yasseri, along with three students, analyzed stacks of data from online dating studies. “Men are much less selective about who they communicate with,” they report. In fact, it is “optimal for men to use the” shotgun method “: The strategy is not to find a very good match (true love with a woman who is very similar to them – or a man s. ‘they are homosexual) but to send a message to “a lot of people, whatever their potentially weak form” and to hope that some of them bite.

Basically, many men on dating apps are like 2 year olds. They only look at the photos. Take it really slow with any guy you meet through the app i.e. keep him on probation a secret until you see plenty of evidence that you might be a good fit (and that “Conor” is not long for “Con”). If you’ve been woken up on a lazy Saturday morning by the man in your bed, the part of your body he’s most interested in shouldn’t be your thumb – which he’s been a little awkward with while trying to unlock your banking app.


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